So here is the thing with being single... we all know there is a part of it that sucks! Especially in the mormon culture. You are expected to get married and start a family while you are young, and for some people that just doesn't happen. For some of us, dating just doesn't go as planned! It is not that I don't want to get married or be in love, it is just that it doesn't happen, and sometimes that is really hard!
Let me give you a little glimpse into my life for a moment. I am 22 years old, nearly 23 years old and I can honestly say that I have never been in love. I have never even come close to being in love. I am not even sure if you could say that I have had a "real" boyfriend. I mean their were boys here and there that maybe you could say I had a "thing" with, but I have never been committed to someone and vice versa. Over the past year and a half, I haven't even had a thing with anyone. I have liked boys but nothing has never been reciprocated. It got to a point about 6 months ago that I decided I was better of suppressing all feelings of liking anyone, because every time that I do, they end up liking or dating my roommate or clearly friend zoning me. Now I am not telling you this to pity me in anyway! Yes it is hard and it kind of sucks but this is mainly just for me to think through and analyze the world that I live in. Analyze what my reality is. My reality is that there is not a special someone in my life and rationally thinking I think that should be ok, but sometimes my heart is just not ok with it! Sometimes it hurts a lot! Sometimes it feels as if my mind and heart are yelling two separate things and there is no communication between them! In my world, I meet new guys and get to know them. Maybe I even start to like them. Immediately that strikes fear in my heart and mind because in my expereince liking someone never ends well. It usually goes like this. I start to get to know them more. They will be sweet and hang out with me a lot. Maybe we even connect, we have a lot in common, we have some deep conversations (because I am easy to talk to) and there we have it straight in the friend zone. This happens all before I am even able to recognize that I have a crush on them, which is obviously to late. Then starts this horrible battle between, is it possible that he could like me or should I just leave it alone? Do I even actually like them? Is it worth potentially ruining a friendship to figure it out? Meanwhile, on there end they are usually developing a crush on a roommate of mine, a neighbor or my sister. Yeah it is always a good time... See in my world I am never the leading lady that gets the guy, I am always the best friend that is there for support. I am always the friend that is just chilling and gets the funny, witty lines but never ends up with a cool guy of her own. Movies are sort of the best and the worst thing. I mean they give you hope that people with sad and pathetic love life's will find love in the end, but at the same time it leaves you with that hope in the real world where that doesn't always happen. It also leaves you waiting on that to happen so that you can feel happy. So I guess my main question is, how on the earth do you change that perspective? How do I become the women that at the end of the movie finds herself and enjoys her life to the point of feeling whole? I don't think that I am supposed to feel broken until I find someone to marry! I don't think that is what God would want, or how this life is meant to work! I just want to figure out how to be happy being me and not waiting on some man to come into my life. Of course one day I want to get married and I am open to the idea, but I don't want that to be my focus in life, because it doesn't make me happy! It makes me sad on nights when all my roommates are on dates, or when I feel like I have no friends because they are all in relationships! I don't want to feel like I am failing because I am not in a relationship, or that there is something wrong with me. I know that those things aren't true, but that is how it feels to me sometimes. In my world, that is how I feel! That is what reality feels like to me and what it seems like as a 22 year old, single female. So if you have any suggestions, or comments you just let me know!
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AuthorI am Izsie. I feel deeply, which is a curse and a blessing and I love to rant. Archives
March 2017
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